


What the fuck is going on?

by StariNights



Category: Newsies (1992), Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: F/F, F/M, Jacks wants to be a cowboy Baby, M/M, SO GAY, They All Gay, group chat au, soft conlon, thats it, yee yee
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2020-07-26 00:16:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20034694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StariNights/pseuds/StariNights
Summary: just a group chat au that i write when i cant write serious things. will be updated from time to time but probably not often. Same universe as TADDS but not at all close to the timeline or any canon events. basically the Jacobs, Spoons and Spades are all from the south and thats it.





	1. Chapter 1

Sonic created a chat

Sonic added Jackie, Anxi_tea, Spork Comma, James Bond, Smols, Poker Lesbian, and nine others to the chat

Spork Comma: i already hate this

Sonic: so, i have gathered u all here today to bequeath an important message

Anxi_tea: Did Race just use the word ‘bequeath’ correctly?

Sonc: hey u rn’t the only smart homosexual here

Smols: we all know Davey has like 4 brain cells more than the rest of us

Anxi_tea: Thank you??

Jackie: yall shut up and let Race tell us why we’re here

Sonic: thank ya jack a boy

Sonic: now, the reason i have gathered u all here is because-

Sonic: drumroll please!

James Bond: *bad recorder noises*

Sonic: Spot Conlon himself just showed up at my door to give me flowers and ask me to prom!!!!1!!

Spork Comma: YOU LIL SHIT

Jackie: HOLY SHIT!

Smart lesbian: HOLY SHIT!

Anxi_tea: HOLY SHIT!

Smols: HOLY SHIT!

Birb: HOLY SHIT!

James Bond: HOLY SHIT!

Cronch: HOLY SHIT!

God: HOLY SHIT!

War is hell: HOLY SHIT!

Rifle: HOLY SHIT!

Glue: HOLY SHIT!

Spork Comma: if one more person says holy shit i will smite them

God: hey thats my job!

Sus_specs: Horly Shite!

Spork Comma: I crave death

Poker Lesbian: Shit Spots ya finally did it?

Spork Comma: you have no proof

Sonic: oh rlly?

Sonic sent an image to the chat

Sus_specs: oh shit he got you

Rome has fallen: Does Spots hat say be gay do crimes? 

Poker Lesbian: YOU BITCH!

Spork Comma: youre not getting it back Spades

James Bond: can we get back to the fact that Spot Conlon actually has feelings?

Jackie changed Spork Comma’s name to Soft Colon 

Soft Conlon changed Jackie’s name to Bitch I Will cut you

Glue: How about no?

Soft Conlon: Elmer, youre lucky i like you, or youd be next

Glue: :)

Sonic: You love me too, right babe??

Soft Conlon: blocked

Sonic: :(

Anxi_tea: Okay are we just ignoring the fact that Spades knew about this?

Poker Lesbian: yeah he came asking about ma’s flower garden like a week ago.

Poker Lesbian: spent a whole ass hour talking to her about the meaning behind them and what ones were the prettiest because, and i quote, “He’s relly pretty so they need to be too”

Sonic: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW BABE!

Soft Conlon: Die.

Rome has Fallen: Babe you should bring me flowers <3

Sus_spects: Babe youre allergic

Rome has Fallen: :(

Poker Lesbian: Yeah, Spots a real sap if im honest

War is hell: babe last valentines day you almost burnt your house done because you lit so many candles for our date.

Bitch I Will cut you: exposed

Poker lesbian: Shut it Kelly

War is hell: shut it Kelly

Soft Conlon: shut it kelly

Bitch I Will cut you: well damn okay.

James Bond: whatever, y’all are making me sad my boyfriend’s not as nice as y’alls

Birb: It’s your fault for being such a gremlin

James Bond: :’(

Glue: hey wheres Kath and Sarah? They normally live for flaunting how in love they are

Anxi_tea: Oh they are.

Anxi_tea: Walls are thin in this house. >:(

Bitch I Will cut you: Oh SHIT

Sonic: *Bad sax music*

God: Oh my God we’re just watching old vine compalations

Anxi_tea: Lies

Smart Lesbian: Shut your fucking mouth

Anxi_tea: ADJECTIVES!

Smart Lesbian: FUCK UR ADJECTIVES! 

God: :\/

Bitch I Will cut you changed their name to Davey Jacobs Lover

Anxi_tea changed Davey Jacobs Lover’s name to Yee Yee

Yee Yee: :( 

Yee Yee: let me be obnoxiously in love with you

Soft Conlon: you are obnoxious about it Kelly

Yee Yee: Oh, IM the obnoxious one, huh?

Yee Yee: tell me, what do lilies mean?

Soft Conlon: i will shove a fork down your throat, bitch


	2. Toasters Are Fireproof, right?

Yee Yee: guys help

Yee Yee: guys plz i need assistance

Anxi_tea: What happened?

Yee Yee: the toaster may or may not be on fire

Anxi_tea: WHAT?

Sonic: DUDE HOW AM I SUPOSSED TO GET TOAST NOW??

Anxi_tea: NOT THE ISSUE HERE RACE!!!

Yee Yee: guys please stop fighting i don't know what to do medda's gonna kill me-

Soft Conlon: am i the only one wondering HOW he set the toaster on fire?

Poker Lesbian: ^^^^^

Yee Yee: .....

Yee Yee: not important now someone PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO PUT IT OUT!

Anxi_tea: Do you have a fire extinguisher?

Yee Yee: no

Sonic: no

Smols: who the fuck has a fire extinguisher in their house?

Anxi_tea: well we do because, you know, SOMEONE MIGHT SET THE TOASTER ON FIRE

Smart Lesbian: no we wouldn't. we aren't fuckin stupid.

Sonic: pour water on it?

Anxi_tea: NO DON'T DO THAT!!

Yee Yee: GUYS IT GOT BIGGER!!

Anxi_tea: YOU DON'T THROW WATER ON ELECTRICAL FIRES!! 

Smart Lesbian: YOU DIDN'T UNPLUG IT??

Yee Yee: NO I DIDN'T FUCKING UNPLUG IT

Smart Lesbian: jesus- CALL 911 DUMBASS

Yee Yee: MEDDA'S GONNA KILL MEEEEEEE

Smols: oh my fucking god

Smols: jack u dumb bitch

Soft Conlon: what'd he do now?

Smols: I come down stairs to see him panicking with a fucking pencil in the toaster. 

Anxi_tea: WHY IS THERE A PENCIL IN YOUR TOASTER??

Yee Yee: I COULDN'T GET MY TOAST OUT!

Soft Conlon: so you used a pencil??

Yee Yee: well i didn't want to use a fork!

Soft Conlon: how.. how are you not dead yet from sheer dumbassery alone?

Sonic: the world may never know

Smols: i called the fire department, they on their way

Anxi_tea: Thank g-d. Jack, darlin I love you, but you are so fucking stupid.

Sonic: *gasp* 

James Bond: MOM SAID A CURSE!!

Birb: WATCH YOUR FUCKING LANGUAGE JACOBS!!

Smart Lesbian: ADJECTIVES!!

Anxi_tea: HE SET A FUCKIN TOASTER ON FIRE I'M ALLOWED TO CURSE RIGHT NOW

Smart Lesbian: tsk tsk

Cronch: hey why does the house smell like burnt toast?

Poker Lesbian: read up

Cronch: ??

Cronch: WHAT THE FUCK J A C K

Yee Yee: LISTEN-

Cronch: NOW I CAN'T EAT TOAST

Sonic: EXACTLY!

Anxi_tea: YOUR HOUSE COULD HAVE BURNT DOWN YOUR LACK OF TOAST IS NOT THE ISSUE HERE

Sonic: the house is fine, my toast needs are not

Soft Conlon: babe you're a dumbass

Sonic: hey i didn't stick a pencil in the toaster

Soft Conlon: thats not the bar

Smart Lesbian: sure it is. If you haven't set a toaster on fire you're not an idiot. 

Smart Lesbian: Jack's the only idiot here

James bond: ....

Sonic: ...

Soft Conlon: ....

War is Hell: .......

Rome has Fallen: .....

Smart Lesbian: OH MY G-D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sitting alone outside in the cold and this is what i wrote. you're welcome.


	3. they are... So gay

Yee Yee created a chat

Yee Yee added Sonic, Smart Lesbian, Smols, James Bond, and Cronch to the chat

Yee Yee named the chat Help I'm So Fucking Queer

Yee Yee sent a picture

Yee Yee: Help he is so cute and he doesn't even notice

Smols: he has a snake around his neck like thats not fucking terrifying

Yee Yee: hey! he likes snakes!

Smart Lesbian: that's Worm and he's a part of the family

Smols: thats a fucking demon from hell is what that is

Smart Lesbian: I Will Fuckin Smite You

Yee Yee: guy's can we get back to the topic at hand

Yee Yee: my boyfriend is fucking adorable someone send help

Sonic: you think THATS bad

Sonic sent a picture to the chat

Smols: i... bro why does Spot have so many scars? 

Smart Lesbian: why do you have a photo of a shirtless and wet Spot Conlon on your phone?

Sonic: Listen he never swims he hates the chlorine I had one (1) opportunity for this picture and i took it

Sonic: as for the scars... I don't actually know. He won't tell me.

James Bond: he's in a gang duh

Cronch: He's not in a gang. 

Cronch: he's in the mafia

Smols: oooo mafia boyfriend. Race, does he buy you pretty shit?

Sonic: he got me reeses for my birthday?

Smols: o yeah, definitely mafia

Sonic: neat!

Smart Lesbian: Listen sure yall think dudes are cute we get it, but consider-

Smart Lesbian sent a picture

Smart Lesbian: My WIfe

Yee Yee: been there done that

Smart Lesbian: I Will Gut You

Smols: oh yeah, well look at MY WIFE!

Smols sent a picture

Yee Yee: is Sniper straight yeeting u into the air

Smols: well she's not doing it because she's straight

Smols: Dance class!

Smols: my wife can Throw Me

Sonic: a projectile lesbian

Cronch sent a Picture

Smart Lesbian: I haven't looked at it yet but if it isn't that one screen-cap from orange is the new black i will Scream

Smart Lesbian: u never disappoint me Crutch

Cronch: I know :)

Cronch: Speaking of Not Disappointing things-

Cronch: I talked to Spoons about being poly

Yee Yee: !!!!!!

Sonic: :OOOO

Sonic renamed the chat to Crutchie's Love Life

Smart Lesbian: Spill!

Cronch: She's cool with it! She's poly too!!!

Sonic: :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Yee Yee: Yay!

Cronch: I get all Of The Love

Yee Yee: That's so great man!!

Cronch: and more good news!!! 

Cronch: remember the boy from chem?

Yee Yee: the kid from the Bronx who actually looked like he was in the mafia?

Cronch: Yup :)))))))

Cronch: I Have Acquired His Number

Sonic: MAFIA BOYFRIENDS!!

Cronch: MAFIA BOYFRIENDS!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crutchie is poly and pan don't @ me

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, that was a thing.


End file.
